Back to the middle......

Thoughts from a complex mind, a hungry heart, and a yearning spirit
on this mountain journey to SELF we call Life.

Location: This place on this Coast, This side of the world

Down to Earth; Relatively open minded; simple yet complicated; Good girl with bad tendencies; Sweetheart to some, indifferent to others; Creative but I think more in the sense of appreciating art than creating it; African American or is it African living in America or American who's also African. Abeg after the fluff n stuff- I'm just Lil Ole ME!

Feel free to sign my guest book and leave your comments as you join me on this ride headed.... Back To The Middle.

"To Thine Own Self Be True"

18 November, 2006


Faithful to thee
We got to be ..I want to be....Faithful to thee
Yes, its for the people, God moves, yeah
I was rollin' around, in my mind it occurred..What if God was a her?
Would I treat her the same? Would I still be runnin' game on her?
In what type of ways would I want her?
Would I want her for her mind or her heavenly body?
Couldn't be out gettin' bogus with someone so godly
If I was wit' her would I still be wantin' my ex?
The lies, the greed, the weed, the sex
Wouldn't be ashamed to give her part of my check
Wearin' her cross, I mean the heart on my neck
Her I would reflect on the streets of the Chi'Ride wit' her,
'cause I know for me she'd die
Through good and bad call on her like I'm chirpin' her
Couldn't be jealous 'cause other brothers worship her
Walk this earth for her, glory, I'm grateful
To be in her presence I try to stay faithful
Faithful to the end...I'd like to be her very best friend

He worked with her, she was his lady's best friend
Even if they don't try some ladies test men
And this was a test that was bigger than him
Some believe its the nature that is given to men
He had a good gig, a wife, a kid, a decent home
One reason or another couldn't find peace at home
She asked, "Why do men always have to stray?
"He said, "I'm bad, not as bad as Eric Benet""
I used to take 'em out to eat but they wasn't really eatin'
Mighta got a little head but I wasn't really cheatin
It's hard when your lady don't believe what you say
And what you did in the past you gotta live with today
She asked if they could spend the night together
He thought, and said, "I'm tryin' to get my life together"
Went home to his lady, these were his confessions
"Baby you a blessin' and my best friend
Faithful to thee...I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be so faithful
That's what I'm gonna do...Faithful til the end

Thanks Common....

14 February, 2006

Happy Valentine's Day- Part 2

To the one that holds my heart:
You mean the world to me and there's no one quite like you.
The mere sound of your voice summons deep emotion within:
Like an old familiar song, like the comfort of a friend.
I yearn for your touch and hunger for your kiss.
Your voice soothes something deep inside me while at the same time,
it stirs a romantic passion that can make me forget everything else.
You make my heart pound wildly and my knees weak.
I love to fantasize about making love to you.
Every day, I think about you and I imagine how great every hour,
every minute, and every second would be if you were here with me.
Each night, as I lie in bed, I dream of you with me, holding me close to you;
And I stare into your eyes, enthralled by all that you are.
If you were, I'd whisper in your ear, how much I love you.

*The problem is you don't even know you're the one that's holding my heart and, even worse, I don't know how to step out of this dream to let you know.........

Happy Valentine's Day- Part 1

Yeah for progress! I'm edging through the relating part & looking forward to the release (see previous post) . Well, today started off kinda slow & I was rather indifferent- that diff day same crap kinda vibe. It was also my last day in my old position so I knew I'd have quite a bit going on. I was already iffy about my first assignment that I got mid afternoon yesterday. I got a one liner email asking for an analysis for a customer over the last 13 months or so & that was it. FIRST of all, I was like who, what, where & when!! I haven't gotten any training so can you @ least tell me what system, server or folder that this information is stored.
After a few calls & emails, I was able to get the information I needed. My two soon to be team mates were so nice. They came up to answer my questions & they even called IT & everyone else necessary to install my software, laptop & everything else I needed so I'd be ready to go when I get down to my new desk tomorrow- which is what my new supervisor should have done, but that's another note in itself. Turns out I did good, so that made me feel even better since I was feeling good from feeling the love from the new mates. Around lunch time, I get pulled down the hall to see a bunch of my co-workers with tons of food for my going away party. Talk about SWEET and almost overwhelming.The hugs, card, parting words etc. You would have thought I was leaving the company or something. Here are some of the emails I got:

"Thanks for all of your help and for your good nature in giving it! We'll miss you up here. "

"We will miss your constant nagging, your dry sarcasm, and your screamingly unbearable persistence! But, most of all, we will miss your beautiful SMILE!! May you be excruciatingly happy in the job you have chosen. "

"Putting up with you was a joy in itself, wish you the very best (I am sure you will take the bull by its horn and do a fantastic job)"

"I will miss your cheerfulness and great humor!!! "

"I will miss working with you on a daily basis----you have a great sense of humor."

"You rock... I've been having a miserable day and you brightened it... "

"Awwwwwwww......I'm getting warm fuzzies......It's been a pleasure working with best memories were seeing your face when I resolved a just lit up the whole room! :o)"

" just wanted to say that it has been a pleasure working with you (and of course being your "personal assistant" lol :) Good Luck in all you do!"

Talk about doing wonders for my spirit. I totally forgot the fact that another Valentine's day was passing with no admirer, flowers, or candy- Lord knows I like me some sugar ;)

It made me realize just how much I'm appreciated/loved but don't always see it. So on that note, I'd like to say Happy Valentine's day to my friends, family, acquintaces, and any/everyone that has contributed a smile and a kind deed to my world. I may not be the best @ saying it but you're all very much appreciated and loved. SMOOCHIES.

08 February, 2006

Relate, Relax, Release

I know I need to work on my bloguency but these past few days/wks have had my mind dealing with a serious case of avoidance to where my days just started blending into each other- like a blank tape that u keep playing over & over cause you’re sure there’s something recorded on it. I had countless people @ work ask me today if I was sick, tired, or ok because I definitely didn’t look or sound my normal self. Granted, I’m decent @ putting on the face & not letting my circumstances get to me, but even that’s fading. At the moment I was about to answer, I new I had hit a point- the point where I didn’t even care to answer. The point where it's so much going on that the sanity comes from pushing them aside for a minute & not even thinking about them, though u know that when you get back to facing it all, it’ll empty you out. I’m talking about facing the smaller things, (wanting to have a man around, multiple financial setbacks etc) to the bigger things, (career, family issues etc) to the life just slow the FU@# down (life threatening sickness, death). Knowing you have people that care about & love you but still feeling like the loneliest soul on the planet. Reaching for any form of escape even if for just a moment. Just wanting to breathe but feeling like the very breath u’re seeking to sustain you will choke you. A point where you don’t even feel like you have the faith to tap into your faith.
I swear if feels like a quarter life crisis. The only thing certain is the uncertainty and discomfort. I’m a big girl so I'll have to suck it up & get up. I'll post more soon but until then bear with me while I reach for my point of release.............

26 January, 2006

On this episode of "As my job turns"....

Those that know me know I’m not big on cussing but DAMN if irritation didn’t bring it out of me. So, excuse me in advance for the language & length:

Backdrop- I got a promotion last thanksgiving but I actually haven’t started my new job yet cause there wasn’t a replacement for me yet. Not really complaining since I’m getting paid on the new payroll. FFwd 2 last week- I knew this week was going 2 be hectic. I’d be training my replacement so I fig'd let me do all I can 2 get as much done knowing I had 3 deadlines due yesterday. SO I went in for almost 5 hrs on Sat 2 get the work out. Others were in 7 hrs, my counterpart from our customer was working from home, we were hand delivering packages etc Mon-wed I was pulling no less than 12hrs, the whole team busted ass 2 get everything out because this was a HUGE job & it had to make the month. SHIT me if @ 4pm I didn’t get a call from the customer saying “oh, we made a mistake. We need to pull the job & redo it” ARE U SERIOUS! After I got over that, I went in today & said spilt milk, lets get these next 2 out the door. They were supposed 2 be out this morning but we got an extension for late today.

Looking good @ 4:30, I had everything ready, I sent an email 2 everyone saying it’s out on the 6pm pickup, the site manager sends an email saying it’s coming so expect it, and @ 4:45 the customer calls & says “I’m sorry, this can’t go. Our client wants 2 add ‘The’ 2 the title of his submission & since this is a $200,000 project we need to make sure it’s how he wants it. This change will affect all pages” AKA the whole job will have 2 be redone. SHIT—talk about getting FUCKED straight up the ass with no lube. All for a lousy “The’. This shit happens once in a while & not with my jobs much less twice in the same damn week. Talk about PISSED. Fine. I let it go & said whenever they release they release cause it’s a customer error. BUT NO. That wasn’t enough. I guess I missed the memo stating that I needed more excitement in my day.

We had a going away party for an employee today & it was about 4 of us sistas sitting together & one cool might as well be a sista white girl. The one next to me started talking about how she thought another coworker had a color issue & was upset that one of us beat her in a job she applied for. She continued “it’s not like we get promotions that often”. So now I’m feeling funny, cause I’ve gotten 3 since I’ve been there & was wondering if I was the one that got the job the other lady applied for. So the white girl says about me “she just knows how to play the game” & the next thing I hear, the sista next to me says “Oh, I like her & she’s cool when she’s not so uppity” abi how u do spell it? Anyway sha, her BIG ass was trying to say I was stuck up. WTF!! Are u shitting me?

I guess the sidity side of me was what kept me quiet because it took my all 2 tell her grown almost 40 ass that: just because I’m not volunteering personal info like u tell evryone about all these guys u’re dating & what u tryin 2 get from them DOES not make me stuck up; just because I choose not 2 come to work in jeans, or an un-ironed shirt, or heaven forbid I come in a suit DOES not make me stuck up; just because I’m a size 3 and I’m complimented on my frame DOES not mean I think any less of your size 14 ass(I really don’t think much about u at all) or that I’m stuck up; just because I’m friendly with everyone & I’m not always talking about the conspiracy theory & how they have it in for us DOES not make me stuck up; just because I mind my business, do what I need to do & not out with yall kicking it DOES not make me stuck up and SHIT just because I’m loveable & cute and people just can’t help themselves 2 liking me DOES not make me stuck up. ok that last one was border ego- I swear though I could have gone off. I might be particular but those that know me can agree that I’m a harmless puppy & I’m far from stuck up. This isn’t the first time I’ve hear it AND the shit pisses me off every single time. Who wrote the requirements for being black enuff or down to earth enuff? Why u gotta be a sellout when you're making moves by keeping the right people in ur corner & knowing who & what to stay away from or include in your space. Shit! your standards aren’t my standards. As long as we can take each other as is & we’re not looking down on each other life goes on. DO YOU & LET ME DO ME.

25 January, 2006

Better left unsaid?

So I get one of those ever famous emails talking about things u should & shouldn’t do in life- laugh, play, enjoy your friends, don’t dwell on the past, yadi yada- & one of the lines got me thinking. It was about expressing yourself & telling those u like how u feel about them. OUCH--This is so not my strong point. Fine-- I got the thinking & one person came to mind that would fit in that mold right now. He’s a good friend of mine that I absolutely adore. He’s one of those people u feel like u’ve known forever from day one & I smile just thinking about him. Granted he’s cute, fun, affectionate, smart & all the material or physical stuff but I just LOVE his character & spirit. Talk about melting my heart. As my girl would put it, I’m thankful for the man that he his & he turned out to be a Beautiful Surprise (read the lyrics). Now according to this email, I’m supposed to let him know how I feel right…small problem being that he’s my “buddy” or “big brother”. If you heard us talking and heard the endearing terms he uses, you’d think otherwise, but I’m the fun friend & that’s all he sees me as. So if you were me, would u suck it up & leave things as they are(enjoying the friendship but knowing he holds my heart) or spill what’s in my heart knowing it’s for not. Are there just some words better left unsaid…?

22 January, 2006

Is sex really overrated?

Now that I'm calm....
I must say I was quick to say sex is overrated. BUT, after careful consideration, I must say I agree with Ludacris when he says "they say sex is overrated & that's cause they're not doing it right". I guess it takes a really crappy experience or prelude to an experience to get what he means & I'm really feeling the "Money can't buy this post" on Dqueenb's page .

Back to the reason I came in late this morning...

I went to a party last night that I was invited to by an acquaintance that I met while we were taking salsa class. Nice guy, talk to once in a blue moon & always looking to have fun so I figured why not keep him in the phone book. The party itself was wack but I had a good time once we got the dancing. Those that know me know I enjoy music and you can see that when I dance. NOW mind you, no attraction whatsoever & would NEVER go there with him but he's talking so much junk & being the one not to back down, I had to step up & give it back. I got to doing my dancing and for those that know me, u know what that means. SIDEBAR- forget Luther, Kelly, Usher ... those oldies songs are the shiznit. Can't remember the names but Steve Harvey's always singing them.

At this point, I could tell he was trying to have my babies. That only made it worse cause that made me turn up the heat. THEN it hit me, although I'm enjoying myself, I could tell what he was working with & my... what a waste of energy & sweat it would be if we were to ever go there. I ended up leaving the party & heading home all fired up & nowhere to go (sucks not having a man). So I'm thinking, WOW, maybe this whole sex think isn't so over ratted but.. am I willing to be with someone who's just PG-13 versus XXX.


This has been one of those days that u just want to finish already. One where you're irate enough to want to be alone but sane enough to know better. I went to bed @ 5am this morning tired & aroused (don't ask), only to get a wake up call @ 8:37am from an associate who wanted a ride to church. I was still thinking over the service- how distant I was & how my spirit just hasn't been moved lately- when I got to my parking spot only to realize that my car was towed. Finally found someone to take us & pick up my car. After paying the $240 to get it, I just wanted to go home & didnt' want to be bothered. Then I was put on the spot- I had to listen & encourage the same chick that I didn't want to be bothered with!!!! Talk about a "OK God. You're not funny moment". Don't get me wrong, after all is said & done, I'm ever so grateful that I had the $$ to get it out & have a car to even get towed in the first place but, dang, I don't have to like how it feels. I've vented & I'm cool now. I've huffed & puffed but won't blowing anything down.

21 January, 2006

drug of choice....

Lisa: Hey girl. Long time no see. You’ve been alright?
Nikki: Of Course. Same old same old. Why do you ask?
Lisa: Just checking. You seemed somewhat withdrawn. Almost like you were going through something or hiding something.
Nikki: Never that. Not me.
Lisa: Are you sure? You’ve got this look in your eye.
Nikki: (tired of holding back) Well, see… It’s kinda like…..I have this problem!
Lisa: A problem? What’s wrong? Is everything ok?
Nikki: I’m an addict. I didn’t realize it at first because it was subtle and didn’t even want to admit it to myself but I’ve got it bad.
Lisa: An ADDICT??? Girl please! I’m all concerned and here you go playing again.
Nikki: No Lisa. I’m dead serious.
Lisa: You’re a church going, intelligent, never seen you smoke, hardly a drinker girl. How the heck are u a freaking addict. Do you know what an addiction is:
  • the brain builds a tolerance to the drug, so it takes more each time to achieve the same effect.
  • the brain becomes "used" to the drug and creates triggers when the substance is not used to turn the person’s attention towards it (cravings).
  • after a period, the person is spending more time thinking about the drug and therefore retarding mental and emotional growth as these thought patterns become deeply entrenched. Aside from the undesirable effects of the abuse of the drug itself, one of the outcomes of being so preoccupied with the substance is that it prevents healthy relationships from being formed and maintained.
  • after a further period of time, the brain also sends out indicators when the drug is not being used, known as withdrawals.
  • because the sufferer is caught between the states of either being under the influence, recovering from the last consumption or thinking about the next one, their lives and the lives of all those around them become severely affected.
  • because most drugs decrease inhibition and impair areas of the brain which control aggression and memory, incidents occur whilst under the influence which would be considered out of character for the person. Once again what was considered "insane" now becomes normal for the person.
  • even after long periods of cessation from the substance, the brain remembers it. When the addict begins using again, the downhill slide is very quick. You do not get to start from scratch.
  • It’s not a weak person's disease but it makes people weak......

Lisa: NOW tell me again, u still think you’re an addict.
Nikki: I KNOW I am. It hit me out of no where and the sad part was that I didn’t even realize I was being drugged. It’s a high unlike any other. It triggers all my senses and I just want more. I know I need to stay away and stop, but it just keeps calling my name.
Lisa: OMG. You are serious. What is it? weed, alcohol, prescription?
Nikki: worse than that.
Lisa: LORD NO. tell me it’s not those big boy drugs?
Nikki: WORSE. With this one, it’s not illegal so I can’t get in trouble. It’s also easy to get hooked because you can get drugged by the most unlikely candidate and it’s too late when you realize it.
Lisa: you’re really scaring me Nikki. What in the world could it be.
Nikki: "VITAMIN D" aka Mind blowing, roof-top shouting, uninhibited, I’m out of breath, is this for real, I’ve gotta tell my girl sex.

MORAL of the story: Great Sex can mess you over so be careful who you let slip u their micky.

16 January, 2006

What's the middle you ask?

I have to credit that one to India Arie. It's the title to one of her tracks on Acoustic Soul that I absolutely fell in love with (like the other 85% of her songs). SO, before I go further, this first post is to her & I'll simpy leave you with words from the song:
"She is, twenty five, spent over half of her life
So afraid to speak her mind, it’s such a shame, cause what a brilliant mind she has
And now she’s been introduced to confidence
She doesn’t see, that she is bordering on arrogance
When will she learn, to come back to the middle ...

Chasing dreams, but they keep on falling, cause they don’t know no balance ...
You must take the good with the bad, and you might hit the wall
Sometimes you’ll fly and sometimes you’ll fall
There isn’t any way, to avoid the pain
But it’s getting burned, that’s how you will learn To come back to the middle

Needing to protect your self now that is just a part of life
If you let your fears keep you from flying, you will never reach your height
To get to the top you must come back to the middle...
Don’t make no mind about falling down, cause it’s when you’re in that valley
You can see both sides more clearly...Come back to the middle"

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Lil Ole Me 2006